So, who are you?

 

It is human nature to believe that we are complex and mysterious. We think ourselves difficult to understand, unpredictable in nature and capable of layer upon layer of intricate characteristics. These are what make us unique and attractive to others. These are what make others unique and attractive to us. As we move in and out of relationships, we try people on and attempt to figure out who and what might compliment. But why are we so disappointed, so shattered really, when the ONE turns out to be so much less than the one?

The truth is people do tell you exactly who they are. Almost immediately. The signs are there. The writing is on the wall. For all of our mysteriousness, we are who we are and it comes out quite instantly. There is no changing, no training, no magic potion to make the other person suddenly be the person you want them to be. The irony then is that we spend an exhausting amount of time trying to find that particular person we want to spend our lives with, and then spend an inordinate amount of time and effort trying to change them. A recipe for disaster if ever there was one.

(Quote take from Mad Men, Season 4, Episode 8: Summer Man)

Words

They are the stuff of confusion, confession and chaos. They hurt, cut deep and often destroy. Most are careful with what they say, but often even the most savvy can unintentionally spew a barrage of nastiness that annihilates another human being. But is it possible that when this unfortunate tirade is released, that we are merely speaking from a place of our own hurt, disappointment and regret? Is it possible that we project our shortcomings, failures and cowardice in those moments when instead we should looking within and trying to change ourselves? Perhaps a little self-reflection in the aftermath is warranted. A huge apology couldn’t hurt either.

Soulmates

soul○mate

/sōl/ /māt/ 

 

A dinner I recently attended turned to a conversation about soulmates. Men and women, married and single, each had their own opinion. Is it a thing? What are we looking for? Is it the proverbial holy grail of relationships? Is it supposed to be romantic? Does it only count if it’s reciprocal? What exactly is this thing that we all look for, expect to find, and yet, feel utterly crushed if we don’t have one?

A Soul is spiritual or immaterial. You can’t feel it or see it but much like the wind, you know it is there, consistent and ever present. A Mate is defined as being connected. As humans, and lets face it, needy beings, our success and survival is deeply rooted in connection. So this concept, this idea, this perfect symbiotic relationship between two people is basically a required, consistent, unseen but felt connection to another being. Seems to me for all that we talk about it, we all have it or have had it. Sometimes it's for long periods of time, and other times just for moments. Either way, don’t sweat it. Your soulmate has probably been right in front of you at varying times of your life.

The Love Letter (Never Sent)

I came across an interesting post about a love letter never sent. It is a heart wrenching proclamation of love for someone that the author knew would never reciprocate the feelings. It is a letter of anguish and pain, of hurt and sorrow, of knowing that no matter how much time passes or how often they tell themselves they are better off without the person who cannot love them, the feelings of hopelessness consume their very soul.

When I read it, I thought of my own past loves and how often I was in this same predicament. To love someone you cannot have. To want the one whose heart is unavailable. It is a sad reality for many of us. And yet, I wonder if this devastating heartbreak isn’t exactly what we need to experience to open ourselves up to real love – the kind that doesn’t cause angst and confusion, questions and uncertainty. The kinds that reassures and comforts like a breath of fresh spring air or a breeze on slightly wet skin. Often it is the little voice inside one’s head, or the tug of the heart because of the not-so-distant pain, that reminds us when it’s the right one, at the right moment, everything else will become a faded memory.

Inspired by:

The Love Letter You'll Never Send - Thought Catalog, by Kovie Biakolo (5/30/15)

@The SingleWoman - via Twitter 5/31/15

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry. Two simple words that can seem like a loaded gun when you know you must say it or when you feel you deserve it. I'm sorry. Simple, to the point and easily understood.  But how many "I'm sorry's" can one person forgive?

I've been reading a lot about this lately - it seems the new year is the perfect time to mend fences and attempt to make amends for the missteps, the thoughtlessness and the insensitivity of the past year. What's difficult, however, is to find the appropriate way to say the words especially if time has passed and parties have moved on.  Because even if you have "gotten past it", even if you have swept it under the rug, chances are it's not forgotten. And although it's hard to fess up and say the words, it's even more difficult wait around hoping to hear them.

I came across a blog post just this morning about the essential elements of a true apology. I found it interesting and actually insightful that the author outlined 8 elements for getting it right.  Most of us will find that these are not rocket science, they are not aha! moments or even that original. I re-post them here as a mere reminder - I'm sorry is only as good as the sentiment and delivery that goes along with it.

8 Elements of a Sincere Apology

• own it
• don't make excuses
• keep it simple
• be specific
• make it heartfelt
• put yourself in the shoes of the person you hurt
• think - what could you have done differently?
• take action

Reprinted from Jonathan Alpert How to Apologize and Get it Right Huffington Post blog post 1/14/2015

It wasn't logic, it was love.

"It wasn’t logic, it was love."

No one can comprehend the why. No one will understand the reason. No one will be able to explain. It is Love.  Plain and simple. It is a peculiar thing – love. Not easy to define nor easy to describe.  Just love.  A surprising and unexpected source once told me that love is a funny thing. Love is not always a choice. Often your heart overrides your mind. You can try to direct it one way or another, but eventually, the heart will run the show.  Love is a feeling and logic never enters into the equation.  It can be the happiest of times, but also the most miserable.  Only two people in the world can comprehend love – the two people who are in it.  Do not look for the logic in love, you will not find it. Instead follow your heart.  The rest, well, that will soon follow.

The People in Your Life

If there's one thing I have learned and taken to heart is that people come into your life for a reason. Often, we can't see it, understand it or even believe it but that's the way it works. There are those that appear when you need distraction, those that appear when you need to be shaken to your core. There are those that see you through the hard times, and those that are meant to share successes and happiness. But the most important thing we can learn from these people who come in and out of our lives, is to accept and not always question the why. You see, the why will eventually become clear. And often it isn't the why but simply the what - what were they here to help you through and did you listen? Did you take it to heart and become changed by it? For if you didn't and simply let the aha moment slip away, their presence was merely wasted and you completely unaffected.

Love...IS

I came across an interesting read about love and how it just is. Not unlike the movie that states, Love actually is all around, the author points out how love is not about excuses or uncertainty but instead is about what is. When someone loves you, there is no question. You know it. You feel it. They find ways to be with you because they want it. Your presence in their life makes their life better. They are the best version of themselves when you are with them. You feed their mind, their heart and their soul. It is a feeling that transcends all boundaries. Love is not supposed to be filled with angst. It is not a game or a puzzle to be mastered or figured out. When someone loves you, you are still and confident in the knowing that they do, without question, without hesitation, without thought. The important thing to remember then as we allow those who say but do not show that they love us is this: “love simply is. And you have to let it be, or not be, naturally.”

Inspired by Thought Catalog – What People Do When They Don’t Really Love You by Brianna Wiest

Let go of what's holding you back

Have you ever noticed that there are people in our lives that hold you back? Like the slow moving vehicle barely driving the speed limit in the fast lane, they comfortably and often obliviously keep us from getting where we’re going. It can be a friend, a family member, a romantic interest. Sometimes it’s obvious: the naysayers, the doom and gloom crowd, or the glass half empty people. But what about those that don’t fit into those categories yet still manage to take steam from our otherwise perfect run?  On the highway of life, why is it that we allow ourselves to coast with the pack instead of passing some people up?

Life presents too many obstacles and challenges to allow other people to hold you back. Instead of following blindly and keeping up with traffic, it’s better to assess and act, carefully but definitively, to go down your own road and live your own adventure. Not everyone we encounter is meant to have a permanent place in your life. Sometimes it’s better to let people go or simply pass them up. Truly at some point, a time will come when you find that comfortable speed and the smooth road that will lead to inner peace.

inspired by Morning Minute, Episode 62 with Pastor Jason Cullum of Christ's Church, Jacksonville, FL on.fb.me/1fVvtic

Friendship or Love?

Just as there is a fine line between love and hate, I have found that there’s an even finer, perhaps even blurry line between friendship and love. With friendship, one has a sense of belonging and acceptance. You have things in common and enjoy similar activities. With love you have all of those but also that something extra - that something special that makes it more than just friendship. There’s connection and comprehension, unconditional forgiveness and understanding. When you love someone, you take the good and the bad, stand by them through the thick and the thin, comfort the sorrow and rejoice in the joy. In love there is the every day and the details. Even if you prefer solitude, you are never alone for your love is always with you. The problem then is mistaking friendship for love. For although you can love your friends, you can only be truly in love with the one that shares your life moments. That’s where the fine line ends, and the blur becomes crystal clear.

Mediocrity

One of my favorite bloggers posted “the four horsemen of mediocrity”. He called them deniability, helplessness, contempt and fear. Seth Godin is a brilliant marketing guy so he penned the horsemen from a business perspective which was perfect. But as I printed them to keep for my own continued reference, one thought immediately came to mind – these “horsemen” are not just about business, quite often actually, one finds them when faced with a breakup. You’re in this seemingly relationship, happy and probably thinking “future”. Suddenly, and perhaps out of nowhere, you breakup. You, my friend, are now in that twelve-step program or seven stages thing or in this case facing the four horsemen.

 

Denial. "I did everything I could to make the relationship work." You blame them. They decided it was over. They created the problem between you. They commanded the breakup. It wasn’t my fault. From there one moves to helplessness: they just won’t listen. They won’t let me make them understand how good I am for them. It's a sense of loss and little understanding. Eventually, one moves to contempt - for the other person and even for love itself. They weren’t good enough for me; I wont settle. Is there really someone out there that deserves all I have to give? It’s a mixture really of contempt and self-pity, which let’s face it, leads one directly into fear. Fear of putting oneself back out there; fear of being in love and hurt all over again; fear of being alone.

Now I know what you’re thinking – what does this really have to do with mediocrity? Everything. Truth is, when you face a breakup, whether you believe it or not, it is ultimately for the best. You weren’t meant to be together and there are always telltale signs. Our problem is that we deny them. We know they are there but feel helpless to do anything about them. We have contempt for them and honestly fear them. Just like the horsemen we face once the breakup happens, they are present in the dysfunction that is the mediocre relationship. So you see, it isn’t just that they translate to business; they translate to life and relationships. For who among us hasn’t lay awake at night trying helplessly to deny the contempt we feel for the other person and fear of breaking up. Who among us hasn't tried to figure out the best way to survive in a mediocre relationship? 

Referenced Blog: Seth Godin - "the four horsemen of mediocrity"

Will You Love Me Tomorrow

I was listening to Carole King’s song Will You Love Me Tomorrow when it hit me how much it resonates with so many of the thoughts, conversations and observations of many who are seeking permanent relationships. You meet someone. There’s a connection. You go out – maybe more than once. There’s chemistry. You test drive the car, so to speak, and wonder: is this a momentary thing or is this more? When is it too soon to ask, “will you still love me tomorrow?"

The song itself says it all. Promises are implied; words are spoken. But as human beings, we often give more importance to the unspoken and the promise to come rather than the reality. We mistake the moment for something more leaving us confused, hurt and heartbroken. We want to be loved not only tonight but also tomorrow. Still, we are all guilty of it, living in the moment without thinking of tomorrow. For who among us hasn’t uttered the words you know someone wants to hear just to keep the magic alive for that moment? Who among us hasn’t gotten carried away with the romance of the night? Who among us hasn’t made promises that we have really no intention of keeping? I suppose it’s simply human nature. Unfortunately, eventually, we find ourselves on the other end of it, hoping and wanting the promise and the love not only for the moment, but for tomorrow…and maybe even a lifetime.

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your eyes?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken
You'll say that I'm the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?

I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?

I need to know
Will you still love me tomorrow?

People Purge

The arrival of the New Year makes most stop and evaluate the people that are in their lives. We look at our friends, our loves, our crushes, our contacts, and our acquaintances. This is the time we ponder each – assess, if you will, their value in our lives and decide, should I, like purging my Friends list on Facebook continue with the relationship or should I perhaps "Delete"?

No easy task. For with each of these relationships, the good and the bad, there are memories and moments that can be cherished but of course those that just should be forgotten. I came across a tweet the other day that stated, “you should never give up on someone, for miracles have been known to happen.” But the truth is, there are far too many people in this world that simply aren’t worth the effort. Not that they are worthless, but their value in our lives are too fluid to provide any real value. And while they may have fulfilled a definitive purpose at one point, it may be that perhaps they have over stayed their welcome in our lives and it is time to move on. Just as a child moves forward in life, leaves the nest and relies on their parents less and less, so possibly is many a relationship with those individuals that float in and out of our lives offering little and taking so much. So it maybe time to reevaluate your friends, your loves, your crushes; the acquaintances you have made or the contacts in your address book. It may be time to start the New Year fresh and realize that so much more is still to come.

 tweet courtesy of @WomenofHistory

The Pieces Make the Whole

I am continually amazed at how the simple everyday things can bring moments of clarity. Often it is in the seemingly mundane, the stuff we take for granted, the things we experience daily that bring the unexpected “AHA!” I experienced one of these moments just the other day. 

I was inexplicably staring at the tiles in the shower when I had it – the “AHA!” Something about the way the pieces on the wall fit together reminded me that our lives are just so – the pieces that make up one’s life are the relationships that have come together, have converged, to make us who we are. We are the masons working the tiles that are our story. We fit them together, put them together and choose the specific players who influence our lives and become a part of our selves, a part of our makeup, a part that makes us whole and makes us unique.

Naturally, some of the pieces are far more beautiful than others. Some are large and occupy great space while others simply fragments and filler.  Sometimes we come across an unexpected piece and try it on for size. Sometimes it fits. But sometimes, it simply doesn’t. That’s part of the process. But just as each tile is important and necessary to complete the wall, each person is pivitol in contributing to the person that we become. And like the unusual yet logical pattern of the wall, we too are unusual yet logical.

I ran my fingertips to trace the varied pieces and smiled. For not unlike this tile wall with the seemingly independent pieces working together to make a thing of beauty, we too are made up of the pieces that makes each of us who we are. It is what makes us, well, us: made up of many parts and pieces, but so very unique and like no other.

Explore the Rapids

I always hear about how relationships throughout their course have a tendency to ebb and flow. There seems to be a natural flow that they follow and it is up to us, those of us in the relationship to either go with that flow, or perhaps rock the boat a bit. Recently, I was told that the ideal relationship should be about smooth waters, avoiding the rapids at all costs. The perfect relationship is little to no work and just sort-of happens. I disagree. For where is the challenge, excitement and fun in “no work” and “smooth sailing”? How do you truly know the intimate places of another person’s soul if you are never exploring the rapids?

 

The truth is that most people do avoid the work and the mess. It is far easier to go through life in the ordinary – the vanilla, if you will, and stay within your comfort zone. I on the other hand want more. I want the inconvenient, the ridiculous, the sometimes uncomfortable, all-consuming and can’t-live- without-you type of relationship. What I want, I suppose, is Real Love. The kind that means someone is by my side as I face the rapids and always there to help do the work.  

As often is the case, thank you Carrie for help in developing what the Gator inspired.

Accept the Love - You Deserve It

I read once that we accept the love we think we deserve. I suppose that is the answer to so many of life’s open questions. As I think of the relationships I have been in, I see rather clearly exactly what the author is talking about. It is often our past that defines our present, and our present inevitably foreshadowing our future. It is a seemingly hopeless chain of repetitiveness. 

The power in truth lies within us to break the chain, challenging us to forgive ourselves for the past, live in the present and have great expectations for the future. Do you think you have the love you truly deserve? Perhaps the love that is truly deserving of you is simply out there waiting…waiting for you to accept it.

Inspired by: The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky (2013)

The Hubbell Factor

Your girl is lovely Hubbell. Why don’t you bring her for a drink when you come.

I can’t come, Katie. I can’t…

I know…  ~ The Way We Were (1973)

How many of us remember fondly the great love that we just couldn’t be with?  Whether it was a boyfriend, a lover or a husband, most of us have that one person who no matter hard we tried, no matter how hard we wanted it, no matter how much it seemed to make sense – it just wasn’t meant to be. What is it that makes those seemingly fated relationships doomed to catastrophically fail?  How does a love that feels so right, turn out so incredibly impossible? It is quite simply, the Hubbell factor. 

The Hubbell factor stems from the reality that love does not always conquer all because sometimes, quite simply, life gets in the way.  Sometimes you do find your soul mate but no matter how hard your try or how much you want it, it just doesn’t work. Sometimes it just becomes too difficult to love unconditionally. That’s when the Hubbell factor kicks in and you look to someone easier to love. Instead of challenge, you look for simplicity. Instead of complexity, you look for uncomplicated. Instead of unpredictable, you look for expected. The problem? Instead of interesting, you end up with comfortable. Instead of excitement, you end up with boredom. Instead of striving for greatness, you end up with nothing special.

quote courtesy of allsubs.org

All in

In poker, the definitive bet is going “all in”. In a game of chess, the winning move is “check mate”. In a relationship, the ultimate scenario is surrendering to love. But unlike poker, unlike chess, love is infinitely more complicated and actually begins with the seemingly final outcome. The thing with love is that the real work begins after it is actually declared. When you love someone and decide to share your life with them – in marriage, in living together or simply in love – you have to be present every day. It’s being in the now and being involved in the everyday. It is the giving of oneself and being open to receiving what the other person has to give.

It’s easy to say “I love you” but to really love someone – well, that’s just it.  It’s not saying the words or believing you can’t live without the other person. No, it is the complete surrender of oneself and the willingness to accept and live in complete surrender.